Kylea Wright – Baltimore, MD
If I had a spirit animal it would be Hannah from “Girls.” I know that’s probably a shitty thing to admit, because if you are any character from “Girls” you are probably a horrible, self-involved human being. But I admit that I’m a human ball of gross self deprecating humor that thinly veils my huge ego. The thing is, I should be able to admit that sometimes I am a bad person, and not be considered an actual bad person. I tell myself everyday that it’s ok to be selfish because I am in my 20s. Maybe that’s really a lie, but I tell myself that because I need to.
I’m not saying I need anyone to tell me this behavior is alright, but I do want you to admit that you are selfish sometimes too.
In the spirit of honesty and owning our selfish moments, I’m going to tell you about some of the really horrible things I do and think. You’ll likely read it and cringe. You might call me gross, and if you know me personally, you might even send me a message questioning some of my life choices. But maybe you’ll also admit to yourself, in some deep part of your soul, that you aren’t any better than I am. You’ll embrace your inner darkness in the way I am embracing mine, and then we can all step into the light together.
1 – I once told my boyfriend about a fantasy I have of getting a terminal illness so he would let me live with him out of guilt; and I wouldn’t have to worry about being able to make rent. I went into a fair amount of detail about how he would have to care for me as I slowly died. He got a little emotional and said, “Yes, I would let you live with me, but it would make me so so sad.” My reaction was, “What! You don’t want me to live with you that badly!?” More than a little horrified he responded, “No, I don’t want to have to slowly watch you die of a terminal illness and then wake up next to your dead body one day. I would never be able to share a bed with another human again in my life.” I consider this one of the most romantic conversations I have ever had.
2 – I have a ritual called “secret eating and secret sleeping.” I love eating, I love sleeping and mostly I love lying about when I’ve been doing it. Something about letting people think I was being productive, when really I was eating five kitkat bars feels so good. If you ever called me during college and I said, “I was just studying,” I am telling you right now that there is a 99 percent chance I was sleeping. I literally never studied in college, and that’s not hyperbole.
3 – Sometimes I can feel myself being that person who uses the word “partner” way too much when I refer to my boyfriend, or saying things in general that make us that gross annoying couple. I never even try to stop myself from saying or doing those things, because I love it, because I am gross. Sometimes we even sit around and talk about what a good couple we are and feel superior.
4 – Whenever I babysit, I eat the food in the family’s house. You made chicken soup and it looks delicious. How can you reasonably expect me not to eat some of it when I have to spoon it into your kid’s mouth and then wipe it off of their butt later? But even if you don’t leave delicious looking homemade food that shames my microwave meals with every drop of its golden goodness, know that your food is not safe. I am eating that cheese and I am eating your potato chips, and I am not regretting any of it. To get through their eighth temper tantrum of the day, I need calories.
5 – The other day I found myself thinking, “I may literally be the smartest person I know. Like I just don’t know anyone who I think is smarter than me. Sure, there are people who are smarter than me in certain things, like math, but then I am smarter than them in other things. Have I ever met someone and just been blown away by how smart they are? I don’t think so. Are dumb people just continually confronted with the fact that they are the dumbest person in the room? Poor dumb people. At no point did I stop that thought process to think how unrealistic or conceded I was being, I just let it run away with itself as I basked in the glory of my own brain.
6 – I leave my toenail clippings everywhere. Yeah, if someone is around I will clip them over the toilet or into a trashcan or neatly sweep them away, but on my own I do no such unnecessary labor I maintain that toenails are magical and they disappear somehow no matter where you leave them.
7 – I have shoplifted the following in my life: Pink lingerie; A dress from Target; A dress from Target; Eyeliner; Blue nail polish; and a dress from Target. What? I really love Target.
8 – If you are my friend, I have probably said something bad about you at some point. I probably would have said it to your face, but I was trying to contain my sociopathy and vent my frustration to someone else instead of just saying something horrible about you directly to you. Also maybe I wouldn’t have said it to your face and maybe it was something just really really mean, because I am a bitch sometimes and it feels really good to say bad things about other people occasionally. I wish it didn’t, but that’s life.
9 – I don’t like going to parties or clubs because I think I am better than everyone at them. I say that I don’t like it because I don’t like dancing (which is true) but my core reason is really because every time I’m in a club, the first thing that goes through my head is, “Humans are the grossest animals on the planet.” I look around at the strained group of girls that proclaim, “I just want to dance with my girlfriends!” but are scanning for hot boys and I judge them. I see the girl crying because she just ran into her ex and think, “You knew he was going to be here because you internet stalked him. I feel superior to every drunk homosapien participating in this thinly veiled, but really gross mating ritual.
10 – There are a lot of naked or semi-naked photos and videos of me out in the universe. Some of them include my face. I regret none of them.
After writing and rereading through all that I now feel pity about the type of person I might be. I want to justify some of it or mediate it by telling you all the really wonderful things I do, but that’s not the point.
The point is, while I know I should work to change some of the bad things about myself, they don’t make me feel like I am bad. It makes me feel alone.
We never admit that we stole a dress from Target one (five) time or that we said something truly bitchy about our best friend because we are afraid others will judge us. So here you go world. Here are my “bad things.” I am selfish and judgmental and petty and mean and self absorbed. I am claiming them as my own so that you can see them and know that even if you do some of these things too, you’re not alone. I for one, don’t think it makes you a bad person.
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